I am so full of anxiety right now. I can feel nervous every pulsating throughout my entire body. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the time of year. Yaminah’s birthday and death day are quickly approaching. I imagine what she would be doing if she were alive. She’d be 4. We’d be getting our home ready for Winter Solstice. I’d fill her face with kisses and her arms with love. Instead, I’m here thinking about holding her as she took her last breaths.

It’s interesting how traumatic experiences intertwine when dealing with grief. Yaminah’s short life and death make me relive every single bit of trauma that fills my life, trauma that impacts my brain in ways I’m just beginning to understand.

And the anxiety. Gardening calms me. But it’s December in zone 5b. I’ve decided to really commit myself to our indoor orchard. I long to get my hands in more soil. I just ordered some macadamia, parche passion fruit, peanut butter fruit, and more Jamaican cherry seeds.

We shall see.